Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
Jay London

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns

I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Rod Schmidt

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Paul Lynde

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge